The Gospel makes sense to me right now as I read my little missionary brother's last missionary letter talking about Conference, General Conference, its joys and brightness.
We talk about light and joy a lot.
In a world of words, these are words to
exclaim
use
show
communicate
impress indelible
these are words
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
September 1, 2009
like a purple wing
trying (in the grass) to
reconnect
to a twig, a leaf, a body
alone snips the twiggish faggot pile
glistening in wetness
clover nose hairs smelling
come! chairs
come fabric and festivity
come, on scissors and mark
your forest
with a grid
trying (in the grass) to
reconnect
to a twig, a leaf, a body
alone snips the twiggish faggot pile
glistening in wetness
clover nose hairs smelling
come! chairs
come fabric and festivity
come, on scissors and mark
your forest
with a grid
Monday, August 17, 2009
Two Joachim Poems
June 28, 2009
Grief is grey
and solid to the touch
of my mouth
and your lip
that you left with me
I'll kneel
and know that this was once
clay
and softer than a fleece
or small green leaf
leave me more
but don't feed me
that greed
I've canceled
our contract
and you are mine
May 16, 2009
Beautiful were the words
she placed in a tin jar
and uncomely
unexpected, rather
but piecemeal
to enhance their new found
virginity
I donned a kneeling fancy
and carved a heart
(in niche)
for the two quelling dalmations
cantankerous
and biting
Grief is grey
and solid to the touch
of my mouth
and your lip
that you left with me
I'll kneel
and know that this was once
clay
and softer than a fleece
or small green leaf
leave me more
but don't feed me
that greed
I've canceled
our contract
and you are mine
May 16, 2009
Beautiful were the words
she placed in a tin jar
and uncomely
unexpected, rather
but piecemeal
to enhance their new found
virginity
I donned a kneeling fancy
and carved a heart
(in niche)
for the two quelling dalmations
cantankerous
and biting
Thursday, April 02, 2009
I haven't felt angry like this in a long time. In a bodily way.
"Ich hab's nicht," I whimpered.
(But, I did.)
And it was so sunny. I was going to walk. I normally do.
"Siebzig Euro."
"Ich habe nur funf und zwanzig."
Don't ever pay up front. Though, I did. This morning.
I thumbed out my March card. He did not really care that two days ago I was legally riding the subway. But neither he nor I noticed that I was legally riding the subway when I got off the escalator to meet his sour expression. I quickly payed the 25 Euro I had in my wallet, trying to bypass the embarrassing moment, while he took my information brusquely.
I had been told the Viennese were not very nice about infractions, so my default posture was complete defenseless dejection. I was severely late for class in the first place. Did I deserve this chastisement from this style of system with which I am not inscrutably always aligned?
I walked up the several rounds of walks and stairs to where our classes are, my funny body filling up waterlike with anger. I had felt to turn back from my typical walking path and take another way, instead walking down Mariahilferstrasse past the subway stop. I crossed into the metro station, under the Strasse underground as I usually do, thus to avoid waiting for the light above and to check the length of wait for the Karlplatz bound train. The blinking yellow sign read two minutes for Karlspatz. Blink. It changed to one. Perfect. One minute to get down to the platform. One minute on the subway and a quick jaunt up the several escalators and through the smoky drug deals and up into sunny blue Opernhaus freedom in the heart of town.
The first escalator up, however, led us all up through three yellow vested men and one women. I don't have my April's pass. They were supposed to have given it to us already at the Institute. I am ready for this. This might even be funny. Money means nothing to me. Let me just look through my backpack for that one weeks punch pass I bought way back in January. That might save me. It's not here.
But money does mean something to me. It means seventy dollars. I'm not thinking about gelato or bread or tithing. Instead, I think that God wanted me to take this way. I get to feel this wateryness.
I walk into class and quickly explain what happened. Joseph, your pass is still good today. I hadn't realized. I walk to the door, close it, and run back outside and down to the man who took my twenty-five hard earned Euros and wrote down my name.
Yes, sir, I will wait to talk to someone higher. My German isn't very equipped for negotiating. I'll stand right next to him. He will be aware of me. He will see me while he checks the many passes of those coming up the escalators now and he will not be brusque to those without a pass with me in the triangle.
It's like the sunny day I joyfully let my bicycle cruise down from the temple.
Visit the Nibleys.
I turned course with bright beatings in my chest and loosened my body's grip on the bike. Stadium Way. I could see their driveway curve before me as I accelerated down towards their pink bricked house, my body loose. I reached the up-curve of their driveway and turned up towards it only to find myself pressed against the pink brick of their driveway under my bike. A mini-van stopped to call out at me if I needed help. My skin was ruffled up on my pinkie in sharp blood softened pain.
I picked up, rang the doorbell. No one home. I biked home in the cold blowing wind, my new blue pants ripped and my body stinging open. I (blowing) blew down, down to my pink cinder block house to my from Hong Kong bandaging roommate Wallace in my green bathroom, and then to my dark cornered bottom bunked bed.
Joseph, turn and now I will hurt you. It won't be much, but consuming. For a moment.
"Ich hab's nicht," I whimpered.
(But, I did.)
And it was so sunny. I was going to walk. I normally do.
"Siebzig Euro."
"Ich habe nur funf und zwanzig."
Don't ever pay up front. Though, I did. This morning.
I thumbed out my March card. He did not really care that two days ago I was legally riding the subway. But neither he nor I noticed that I was legally riding the subway when I got off the escalator to meet his sour expression. I quickly payed the 25 Euro I had in my wallet, trying to bypass the embarrassing moment, while he took my information brusquely.
I had been told the Viennese were not very nice about infractions, so my default posture was complete defenseless dejection. I was severely late for class in the first place. Did I deserve this chastisement from this style of system with which I am not inscrutably always aligned?
I walked up the several rounds of walks and stairs to where our classes are, my funny body filling up waterlike with anger. I had felt to turn back from my typical walking path and take another way, instead walking down Mariahilferstrasse past the subway stop. I crossed into the metro station, under the Strasse underground as I usually do, thus to avoid waiting for the light above and to check the length of wait for the Karlplatz bound train. The blinking yellow sign read two minutes for Karlspatz. Blink. It changed to one. Perfect. One minute to get down to the platform. One minute on the subway and a quick jaunt up the several escalators and through the smoky drug deals and up into sunny blue Opernhaus freedom in the heart of town.
The first escalator up, however, led us all up through three yellow vested men and one women. I don't have my April's pass. They were supposed to have given it to us already at the Institute. I am ready for this. This might even be funny. Money means nothing to me. Let me just look through my backpack for that one weeks punch pass I bought way back in January. That might save me. It's not here.
But money does mean something to me. It means seventy dollars. I'm not thinking about gelato or bread or tithing. Instead, I think that God wanted me to take this way. I get to feel this wateryness.
I walk into class and quickly explain what happened. Joseph, your pass is still good today. I hadn't realized. I walk to the door, close it, and run back outside and down to the man who took my twenty-five hard earned Euros and wrote down my name.
Yes, sir, I will wait to talk to someone higher. My German isn't very equipped for negotiating. I'll stand right next to him. He will be aware of me. He will see me while he checks the many passes of those coming up the escalators now and he will not be brusque to those without a pass with me in the triangle.
It's like the sunny day I joyfully let my bicycle cruise down from the temple.
Visit the Nibleys.
I turned course with bright beatings in my chest and loosened my body's grip on the bike. Stadium Way. I could see their driveway curve before me as I accelerated down towards their pink bricked house, my body loose. I reached the up-curve of their driveway and turned up towards it only to find myself pressed against the pink brick of their driveway under my bike. A mini-van stopped to call out at me if I needed help. My skin was ruffled up on my pinkie in sharp blood softened pain.
I picked up, rang the doorbell. No one home. I biked home in the cold blowing wind, my new blue pants ripped and my body stinging open. I (blowing) blew down, down to my pink cinder block house to my from Hong Kong bandaging roommate Wallace in my green bathroom, and then to my dark cornered bottom bunked bed.
Joseph, turn and now I will hurt you. It won't be much, but consuming. For a moment.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
A Post! A Post!
So, really, this has been a perfect trip. I know. This is cliche to say, but, I never thought - in my fundamentally nit-picky way, that I would.
And here I sit, not knowing where to start.
Here's some Marissa chat:
Me:
I really loved Budapest
I think you would too, but you will have your own experience with Budapest one day, right?
It is grand and crumbly and grand
and crumbly
at the same time
it is a grand layout
but, they haven't cleaned up the World War II bullet holes
and I loved this
We stayed in a bright little hostel on the second floor of this little courtyard apartment building with old old wrought iron handrails and old cracked red paint
and tiles in the courtyard floor
Marissa:
oo, it sounds wonderful
Me:
and there were machine gun holes all across the wall of the courtyard
the house across the street was an abandoned wreck
and that whole neighborhood
with lovely little weathered people living and watering plants and walking dogs etc.
and the food was good
in a sincere way
and there still were mustaches
and really tall handsome dark men and little dark grey haired women
and punks
it had much more of an alternative groove - like a much-cooler-than-me dark earthy subculture than Vienna
When I am in Vienna, I feel like "I can do Vienna" in my cocky way:)
But, Budapest was raw
and it has some Islamic patterns and Russian this and that and the Hapsburgian stateliness
And from my chat with Mom (talking through Rebekah's account):
I am going to take my cute little Hungarian maid/cook to the opera for my birthday
She is excited.
Rebekah:
What are you going to see?
Me: Actually, we'll probably see Guys and Dolls in German at the Volksoper
I hear it is really good and I think she'll love it
Rebekah: That makes me laugh!
Me: There are some other blockbuster concerts this week
Rebekah: Have you seen other things these past few weeks?
Me: Yes!
It has been wonderful, Mom.
You would love living here in so many ways:
the Church is so wonderful here,
the Austrians do the gospel really well when they do it
People stay after Church talking and hugging for over an hour
The Musikverein is a beautiful temple of a concert house
and the Spirit has been strong there every time I've gone
And standing tickets are only 5 dollars
I can see you going often
You can usually sit down for the second half
Rebekah:
You are really imagining us there aren't you
Me:
I saw Thomas Quasthoff sing with the Berlin Baroque Ensemble
you need to Youtube him
Bach
I almost cried during one of the instrumental pieces actually
and I almost cried when Seiji Ozawa conducted Tchaikowsky's Eugene Onegin at the Staatsoper a few weeks ago
I did.
No, Budapest really was grand. There is a beautiful street modeled after the Champs Elysees, Andrassy Ut. The city swarms right up to both edges of the Danube, one side very hilly - Buda, and the other flat and totally visible to the very hilly side - Pest. Buda has beautiful views and several castles and cathedrals. The cityscape is quite lovely with the gothic snowflake Parliament building with its red dome "cap," churches, and each individual building is an old elegant (sometimes crumbly) friend.
Vienna is a music box. It is mostly white, and various shades of cream, with little shocks of ornamentation: jugendstil - Vienna's own art nouveau variety, indications of Klimt around, bright neon green new spring grass, funny raw modern art, and silly grafiti - have you seen the picture of the "paris versus vienna" graffiti statement? Silly graffiti. Other eastern European cities have a much more earthy, poorer, variety with really bright wizzing graffiti.
And yesterday was a beautiful day. Really our first. I went to the giant flea market at the Naschmarkt for the first time - just a short jog down the hill behind our house - and it truly was epic. All the antiques you'd hope to see in a center of hundreds of years of European old people: clocks and maps and music and instruments and lamps and coats and watches and harmonicas and chairs and clothes and dishes. The Naschmarkt is a must go to destination for food and at all: aisles and aisles of produce, dried foods, and pastries, and fish, as well as lovely outdoor restaurants and cafes. I snuck up the breezy Naschmarkt to the Seczession museum where I finally saw Klimt's Beethoven frieze as well as some interesting and lame modern exhibits and installations beholden to the mission of the Sezession as a venue for the neglected and avant-garde. Look up the frieze and its abouts. It was inspiring to me.
And now I must leave Dr. Vincent's and the bright comfort of his internet. I can't get the internet at the apartment where I am staying, which has been a lovely insulation to my being truly in Vienna. Did I tell you that I am staying with descendants of Hapsburg royalty?
In short, I like it here. Two more weeks, a trip to Salzburg and Italy - we're not very sad about this - and then I am home in New York. Two days later I fly to Utah for Spring Term. Phew!
Rebekah:
Jane said a funny thing today in Church. She referred to Joseph Smith's birthday being soon, then she laughted and said, oh no-I got him mixed up with Joseph Olson, another important Joseph!
Me:
That's really cute
and flattering
:)
I wish Rachel [and everyone] could be here to listen to all the music
it's not a very big city either
It has helped my music abilities so much to regularly listen to accomplished musicians
it is really inspiring
no wonder Beethoven, Mozart, Schubert, Haydn, so many others lived here
Inspiring.
And here I sit, not knowing where to start.
Here's some Marissa chat:
Me:
I really loved Budapest
I think you would too, but you will have your own experience with Budapest one day, right?
It is grand and crumbly and grand
and crumbly
at the same time
it is a grand layout
but, they haven't cleaned up the World War II bullet holes
and I loved this
We stayed in a bright little hostel on the second floor of this little courtyard apartment building with old old wrought iron handrails and old cracked red paint
and tiles in the courtyard floor
Marissa:
oo, it sounds wonderful
Me:
and there were machine gun holes all across the wall of the courtyard
the house across the street was an abandoned wreck
and that whole neighborhood
with lovely little weathered people living and watering plants and walking dogs etc.
and the food was good
in a sincere way
and there still were mustaches
and really tall handsome dark men and little dark grey haired women
and punks
it had much more of an alternative groove - like a much-cooler-than-me dark earthy subculture than Vienna
When I am in Vienna, I feel like "I can do Vienna" in my cocky way:)
But, Budapest was raw
and it has some Islamic patterns and Russian this and that and the Hapsburgian stateliness
And from my chat with Mom (talking through Rebekah's account):
I am going to take my cute little Hungarian maid/cook to the opera for my birthday
She is excited.
Rebekah:
What are you going to see?
Me: Actually, we'll probably see Guys and Dolls in German at the Volksoper
I hear it is really good and I think she'll love it
Rebekah: That makes me laugh!
Me: There are some other blockbuster concerts this week
Rebekah: Have you seen other things these past few weeks?
Me: Yes!
It has been wonderful, Mom.
You would love living here in so many ways:
the Church is so wonderful here,
the Austrians do the gospel really well when they do it
People stay after Church talking and hugging for over an hour
The Musikverein is a beautiful temple of a concert house
and the Spirit has been strong there every time I've gone
And standing tickets are only 5 dollars
I can see you going often
You can usually sit down for the second half
Rebekah:
You are really imagining us there aren't you
Me:
I saw Thomas Quasthoff sing with the Berlin Baroque Ensemble
you need to Youtube him
Bach
I almost cried during one of the instrumental pieces actually
and I almost cried when Seiji Ozawa conducted Tchaikowsky's Eugene Onegin at the Staatsoper a few weeks ago
I did.
No, Budapest really was grand. There is a beautiful street modeled after the Champs Elysees, Andrassy Ut. The city swarms right up to both edges of the Danube, one side very hilly - Buda, and the other flat and totally visible to the very hilly side - Pest. Buda has beautiful views and several castles and cathedrals. The cityscape is quite lovely with the gothic snowflake Parliament building with its red dome "cap," churches, and each individual building is an old elegant (sometimes crumbly) friend.
Vienna is a music box. It is mostly white, and various shades of cream, with little shocks of ornamentation: jugendstil - Vienna's own art nouveau variety, indications of Klimt around, bright neon green new spring grass, funny raw modern art, and silly grafiti - have you seen the picture of the "paris versus vienna" graffiti statement? Silly graffiti. Other eastern European cities have a much more earthy, poorer, variety with really bright wizzing graffiti.
And yesterday was a beautiful day. Really our first. I went to the giant flea market at the Naschmarkt for the first time - just a short jog down the hill behind our house - and it truly was epic. All the antiques you'd hope to see in a center of hundreds of years of European old people: clocks and maps and music and instruments and lamps and coats and watches and harmonicas and chairs and clothes and dishes. The Naschmarkt is a must go to destination for food and at all: aisles and aisles of produce, dried foods, and pastries, and fish, as well as lovely outdoor restaurants and cafes. I snuck up the breezy Naschmarkt to the Seczession museum where I finally saw Klimt's Beethoven frieze as well as some interesting and lame modern exhibits and installations beholden to the mission of the Sezession as a venue for the neglected and avant-garde. Look up the frieze and its abouts. It was inspiring to me.
And now I must leave Dr. Vincent's and the bright comfort of his internet. I can't get the internet at the apartment where I am staying, which has been a lovely insulation to my being truly in Vienna. Did I tell you that I am staying with descendants of Hapsburg royalty?
In short, I like it here. Two more weeks, a trip to Salzburg and Italy - we're not very sad about this - and then I am home in New York. Two days later I fly to Utah for Spring Term. Phew!
Rebekah:
Jane said a funny thing today in Church. She referred to Joseph Smith's birthday being soon, then she laughted and said, oh no-I got him mixed up with Joseph Olson, another important Joseph!
Me:
That's really cute
and flattering
:)
I wish Rachel [and everyone] could be here to listen to all the music
it's not a very big city either
It has helped my music abilities so much to regularly listen to accomplished musicians
it is really inspiring
no wonder Beethoven, Mozart, Schubert, Haydn, so many others lived here
Inspiring.
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
I think that I talk too much. I get very excited and tell everyone who will listen the stories that I have quickly prepared and determined exciting. Exciting. Exciting. Exciting. And then it is hard to blog about them after they have been so worked, so expended. It is an indulgence that I take - all this excitement, as it is an indulgence for those who listen to me. Thank you.
It works better in spurts and in speed. A hit. A whiff. An attack! I was here and then there, I hit a low, I looked up, sparks, and an epiphany!
And now I have processed epiphanies: hard discs of biased me-ness.
It sounds better to tell you that I am in a cafe: Phil. Not Phil's. Phil. Non-smoking. Lots of retro lamps, all for sale. Lots of new and second hand books, all for sale. And a charming internet password: clapyourhands. And nice waiters. I got an herbal tea, but waited too long. The water got cold. And the tea didn't dissolve. I know, older siblings, I could send it back to be reheated. Or I could drink luke warm distantly flavored tea while feverishly using my rare internet time.
I've been a little sick. It has been lovely. I've let myself live the zen day I really needed. A quick dart out for a loaf of really dark brown crusty bread daring me not to be able to cut it. A long sh-bath. (The water never really gets hot enough for a bath in our antique tub with its own little heating tank hanging above to the right. I need to hold the shower head relatively close to my coffined body to get any sensation of warmth, and that, only one body region at a time. It's kind of really okay with me. I do bath exercises as well, still, Dan.) Homework.
The music in Phil is great. The other night, there was a DJ here playing only lounge music from 1960s America.
It works better in spurts and in speed. A hit. A whiff. An attack! I was here and then there, I hit a low, I looked up, sparks, and an epiphany!
And now I have processed epiphanies: hard discs of biased me-ness.
It sounds better to tell you that I am in a cafe: Phil. Not Phil's. Phil. Non-smoking. Lots of retro lamps, all for sale. Lots of new and second hand books, all for sale. And a charming internet password: clapyourhands. And nice waiters. I got an herbal tea, but waited too long. The water got cold. And the tea didn't dissolve. I know, older siblings, I could send it back to be reheated. Or I could drink luke warm distantly flavored tea while feverishly using my rare internet time.
I've been a little sick. It has been lovely. I've let myself live the zen day I really needed. A quick dart out for a loaf of really dark brown crusty bread daring me not to be able to cut it. A long sh-bath. (The water never really gets hot enough for a bath in our antique tub with its own little heating tank hanging above to the right. I need to hold the shower head relatively close to my coffined body to get any sensation of warmth, and that, only one body region at a time. It's kind of really okay with me. I do bath exercises as well, still, Dan.) Homework.
The music in Phil is great. The other night, there was a DJ here playing only lounge music from 1960s America.
Monday, February 23, 2009
From a G-chat with Marissa
[About Vienna]
Ich: There are fun differences
everywhere
their default building materials here are much more colorful and interesting
pastels more often used etc
apparently japan owns a bunch of vienna
19:40
and the russians
which you can kind of tell in some places
I have a hungarian maid!
she is hunched and smiling and
repeats herself incessantly
[Her name is Eva and she is beautiful. She often tells me in Hungarian to eat, in the diminutive form we've discovered - it sounds like "hum hum." Eva stirs and bends and has a younger girl's gait. Her chocolate confections are deadly and she nursed me back to health, when I was sick last week, with soup, toasted bread, and mandarin oranges which she brought on a tray. She shows us pictures of her schoen Mann. She has fine dark eyebrows and brown hair cropped straight around the base of her neck.]
anyway
Ich:
I´m sure the Viennese don´t really like that about japan and russian- they seem to be very proud of their way of life
19:43
Marissa:
yeah, i'm sure any country would feel that way
which is partly why so many countries aren't entirely happy about us
this weekend i will meet his parents
[...]
Ich:
and water
19:50 there is this wonderful friend here that i´ve made
Joachim from Norway
he told me this dream that I´ll tell you
he´s had it several times
19:52
he is desperately choosing between bread and something else, I´ll just say a tomato
it was something good like that
and he has to choose and he is very tortured
19:53
and he wakes up and he remembers
that there was a glass of water there too
19:56
Marissa: what does he think about the dream?
19:57
Ich: isn´t it lovelz
y
the water is what he really wants
i think
I think about the dream:
i fuss and fuss between bread and tomatoes
right now i need some water
[Joachim (pronounced You - ah - keem) reminded me recently that, in order to do what God would have me do, I must be willing and ready to both act or not act in the particular way. I must be like an archer's tightened muscle ready. A pencil. Joachim has also introduced me to Koans. Common in Eastern Asia, Koans lead one to peace and enlightenment. It is best not to talk about these Koans too much I find, but to accept, explore, assume them, "sit with" them.]
19:59
Marissa: it is a beautiful dream
he sounds like a beautiful person
did you meet him at church?
Ich: at the outreach institute for the young single adults
20:00
they have a beautiful faciility here for institute and ysa activities downtown in a store front
it is old and stone and white inside with nice lighting and furnitiure and many rooms and computers
i am here right now
and a piano livign room place
and waffle night on fridazs
Marissa: oh wow
that does sound nice
Ich: There are fun differences
everywhere
their default building materials here are much more colorful and interesting
pastels more often used etc
apparently japan owns a bunch of vienna
19:40
and the russians
which you can kind of tell in some places
I have a hungarian maid!
she is hunched and smiling and
repeats herself incessantly
[Her name is Eva and she is beautiful. She often tells me in Hungarian to eat, in the diminutive form we've discovered - it sounds like "hum hum." Eva stirs and bends and has a younger girl's gait. Her chocolate confections are deadly and she nursed me back to health, when I was sick last week, with soup, toasted bread, and mandarin oranges which she brought on a tray. She shows us pictures of her schoen Mann. She has fine dark eyebrows and brown hair cropped straight around the base of her neck.]
anyway
Ich:
I´m sure the Viennese don´t really like that about japan and russian- they seem to be very proud of their way of life
19:43
Marissa:
yeah, i'm sure any country would feel that way
which is partly why so many countries aren't entirely happy about us
this weekend i will meet his parents
[...]
Ich:
and water
19:50 there is this wonderful friend here that i´ve made
Joachim from Norway
he told me this dream that I´ll tell you
he´s had it several times
19:52
he is desperately choosing between bread and something else, I´ll just say a tomato
it was something good like that
and he has to choose and he is very tortured
19:53
and he wakes up and he remembers
that there was a glass of water there too
19:56
Marissa: what does he think about the dream?
19:57
Ich: isn´t it lovelz
y
the water is what he really wants
i think
I think about the dream:
i fuss and fuss between bread and tomatoes
right now i need some water
[Joachim (pronounced You - ah - keem) reminded me recently that, in order to do what God would have me do, I must be willing and ready to both act or not act in the particular way. I must be like an archer's tightened muscle ready. A pencil. Joachim has also introduced me to Koans. Common in Eastern Asia, Koans lead one to peace and enlightenment. It is best not to talk about these Koans too much I find, but to accept, explore, assume them, "sit with" them.]
19:59
Marissa: it is a beautiful dream
he sounds like a beautiful person
did you meet him at church?
Ich: at the outreach institute for the young single adults
20:00
they have a beautiful faciility here for institute and ysa activities downtown in a store front
it is old and stone and white inside with nice lighting and furnitiure and many rooms and computers
i am here right now
and a piano livign room place
and waffle night on fridazs
Marissa: oh wow
that does sound nice
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